


Of Postcards and Love

by RamblingWithFantasy



Series: The Way We Want it [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Ashton is just mentioned twice, Feelings Development, High School AU, Love Confession, Luke's everything Michael ever wanted, Luke's mean at first but turns out to be a very nice guy, M/M, Muke is more platonic than ever, Postcards, Shier!Luke, Strangers, Unrequited Love, Very Fluffy End, cashton if you squint, shy!michael
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-01 14:41:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5209724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RamblingWithFantasy/pseuds/RamblingWithFantasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Luke, I know you have got a boyfriend and that you're not interested in me, but I need to say it out loud before you go, before I don't see you anymore. Will you let me say it?" Michael pleads uncertainly, other threatening tears ready to be cried like a river. Is he going to be free and forget Luke forever after doing this? Will he open his wings and fly away from his past without Luke?</p><p> </p><p>"You can say it. Whenever you feel like saying it just do it. Once, twice, ten times per day, I don't mind. I'm here for you, okay? Say it whenever you feel it's the right time. I'm not going anywhere until you say it. I'd like to hear those words from you, you know? They are the bravest words someone can say, Michael" Luke tells him softly, standing up from his seat and sitting again, this time dangerously close to Michael.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Postcards and Love

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy your reading! It means the world to me :)

Sometimes Michael is awfully good at convincing himself that what happened to him was meant to happen. Like, it's the will of fate or something similar. Michael can't escape from fate, from what fate had in store and written for him. Michael stopped believing in coincidences almost five years ago, when too many incomprehensible events and weird signs started to direct at him just as if he was bound to be led into someone by a bigger and more powerful someone else. In Michael's opinion now everything happens for a reason and a higher purpose.

 

Michael was on the edge of a cliff: he didn't know if jumping off would save him, contrary to common sense, or if the rough sea beneath him would drown his lungs until death and send him straight to God knocking on heaven's door.

 

The only fact Michael was completely sure of and which he needed to find a solution for was that he couldn't keep living like that anymore, hidden and trembling behind his best friend's back with shaking hands and legs, waiting for a miracle to get him out of the situation whenever that special someone would pass by them and greet Calum silently, waving a hand in the air. Michael would pray God that Calum hid him as usual and the boy, knowing Michael better than anyone else at school, did it perfectly because he hadn't any other choice. Michael would die, otherwise, of heart attack. And Calum didn't want to see his best friend dying in front of him due to heart attack. He's too young to die for love.

 

Michael had been risking dying of heart attack or, better, palpitations almost every day except summer days and holidays. He'd been in danger for years but he's still alive anyway and Michael's happy with that, glad that his heart is strong and brave and functioning as any other human being's.

 

After final exams and graduation knocked at Michael's door, the boy couldn't really be more grateful to God or whatever deity lives above them. He'd been studying all day and all night long, coffee on his side and the light of the lamp always on. The results of his exams were pretty amazing.

 

Michael thinks of the benefits graduation has given him. One, he's going to college and leave behind high school and all the old, dull inconvenient memories related to it: no more stupid subjects such as Philosophy, Greek and Latin, Literature and shit. No more alarm clock at half past six in the morning from Monday to Saturday, no more irritating old teachers and grades to be worried about.

 

Two, he's going to enjoy this summer an awful lot more than all the previous summers put together; besides he'd like to find a job and save money for future plans and projects. He's going to spend some peaceful time at home and with friends he hasn't seen in forever, going to the beach and avoiding sunrays accurately. No need to worry about homeworks, test and all that shit. Completely free to dedicate himself to what he loves.

 

And three, last but not least, his crush. He's not going to see him ever again after July. They'll move in two unknown, distant different cities and never meet again. Michael feels sad and depressed already. Things need to go this way. Michael's on the edge of a cliff, as aforementioned.

 

****

 

Michael wonders if meeting Luke was worth the pain and the years spent pining over him without ever telling him. Luke seemed unreachable. He met Luke in high school, first month, first year. He doesn't remember the day exactly, too much time has rolled in, anyway Michael is pretty certain that it was mid-October because leaves were falling off the trees swaying gently in the warm air and covering up the streets like snow, leaving the branches bare and lifeless, ready to sleep for months. Michael finds something extremely attractive in the leaves' free falling. Michael recalls every second of that day, the day that changed his life and he can't be forgetful of.

 

It hadn't been a real meeting. It hadn't been a meeting at all, to be honest. Michael's eyes caught the frame of the guy by pure chance. Michael still blames that fucking pure chance for having 'ruined' his life nowadays. He repeats these exact words in his head like a mantra, however his heart knows much better.

 

Michael was talking about nothing with a classmate during break time with his face facing the classmate and the open door at the back of the classroom. There were two guys by the door: one was sitting at his own desk while the other guy was standing upright beside him, furrowing his eyebrows and looking carefully at something the guy at the desk was showing him. They were nothing special, if not for the fact that they were laughing so hard some minutes later Michael had to lift his head up and over his classmate's shoulder to see what was happening a few metres away.

 

Michael suddenly moved his gaze to the door for no particular reason other than that and. Shit. Had he never moved his bloody gaze to the bloody door at the back of the classroom. Michael saw a guy standing upright and paying full attention to his friend (at this point the boys would know each other if that long talk was anything to go by) and everything started to fall down from then on. Like, Michael's sentimental life had never been the same again.

 

The guy had straight, short blond hair styled in a quiff, dull blue eyes and a not so pale skin complexion. He was wearing a black hoodie with a logo printed in the middle, red trousers and black shoes. Michael couldn't ever forget those details. They are impressed in his memory like the scars of first childhood on his skin. They don't go away easily, they stay with you forever. So does Luke, his high school crush.

 

Michael's mind started wandering for miles in the world of beauty when the classmate he was talking to, George, snapped in front of his eyes startling him, bringing him back to reality and asking if he was alright. Michael answered he was more than alright, asking back if he knew the blond guy behind them afterwards without even realising it and casually brushing it off, slightly pointing at Luke and not moving his gaze from him.

 

Not knowing the guy at all, George went pestering every student nearby with the same question, purely out of curiosity. Michael was waiting for him to return while biting his fingernails and looking at the blond guy every now and then in the hope of not being caught staring. If he got caught staring he'd be addressed as the 'weird one'. Well, Michael was a little bit weird at the time, though he wasn't a crazy, always controlling stalker.

 

George came back to him almost running with a huge, bright smile on his lips and "I've asked Cesco and he's told me he knows the name of the guy. Acquaintance or something very old anyway. His name is Luke. And stop staring for good's sake, you're being a creep. You happy now?" George said jokingly with a hint of pride in his voice.

 

"Yeah. I like Luke" Michael let out without thinking. Luke was such a beautiful boy. And Michael had just seen him for the first time a couple of minutes before. He was fucked, like, there was no way back from being absolutely struck by that boy.

 

The point is, Michael knew since the beginning, since the very first second he laid his eyes on Luke that he liked him. He knew his heart would be Luke's forever, till the end of time. He knew there would be absolutely no way to make his heart feel otherwise about Luke, to get the features of his face out of his head. He knew it would be tough for him to see him at school. Not every day, but still.

 

Waiting for him to come school by bicycle or watching him go home became a daily habit. Calum was there with him almost always. He wouldn't judge or criticize Michael's behaviour and silly expressions as Luke walked past by them. He wouldn't dare. Okay, maybe he did. Though he just fell silent and quiet most of the times because he accepted the fact Michael wouldn't have listened to him anyway, being too busy desperately searching for a guy with blond hair and plain black bicycle. Then summer break would come, so would holidays like Christmas and Easter and New Year. The cycle repeating every damn year.

 

When he realised he had said he liked Luke out loud, loud enough for his tastes Michael automatically corrected himself with an embarassed expression on his face and rosy cheeks, shy eyes glued to the floor.

 

"I-I mean the n-name Luke, of course. I liked this name even before my crush was named Luke. My cousin's name is Luke. Luke is a very nice name, generally speaking" Michael tried to reassure himself more than George, that was looking at him as if he was the worst liar ever.

 

Indeed Michael was, is the worst liar on Earth. He's not able to tell a lie at all, not even to save his fat ass in bad situations when lies are strongly required, not even to his parents. Not a lie. His eyes always speak the truth and Michael is afraid of them because they're unpredictable and dangerous if not controlled. If he tries to tell someone a lie his eyes will speak the truth and Michael won't be able to do anything to solve the oncoming problems.

 

What if Luke talked to him and Michael didn't stutter a word? What if he said hi to him (impossible) and Michael stayed open mouthed like a complete idiot goldfish? What if whatever happened Michael stayed quiet and made a fool of himself for free?

 

Michael cleared his mind from bad thoughts and realized he had a massive, visible-from-miles crush on a stranger whose name is Luke and who Michael didn't know pretty anything about. What a shame.

 

Was Luke frequenting the same school as Michael's? Was he experiencing Erasmus? Was he just visiting his friend at school?

 

Michael's head was on the verge of physical explosion he just wanted to go home and forget that beautiful pair of eyes and all the features of Luke's physiognomy for the rest of his life. But the hours of that school day were just halfway run out and Michael couldn't get out of there until two in the afternoon.

 

Michael was mentally complaining about his new, fresh high school crush when the bell rang, signaling the end of the break time and the start of lessons. Michael gained courage and turned his head around to look at Luke for the last time that day. Unfortunately the space by the door was left empty. Michael's heart tightened in his already hurt chest subconsciously, knocking his quick breaths out of his lungs, mouth slightly open and eyes lost somewhere into the nothingness.

 

Luke had already gone.

 

****

 

The next four years were absolute hell for Michael. He used to wake up early in the morning sometimes, even before his alarm clock ringing him awake, sweaty from head to toe and heart shaken by palpitations, eyes widened and pupils more than reasonably blown and large, due to his dreams. It didn't matter if they were good or bad. If Michael dreamed of Luke or anything that involved him, the feelings in his chest would still be the same. Feelings would swallow him whole and spit him out in pieces.

 

Panic. Full panic.

 

Michael couldn't really interpret those dreams. What did they mean? Why was he dreaming of Luke so much? Were they signs that kind of meant he was destined to meet Luke somehow? Did it mean that Luke was his only in his dreams? Michael didn't find a proper answer that could satisfy his million questions and it made him sad and angry at the same time like no one had ever done before. He felt defeated, turned inside out like a sock.

 

Luke was talking to him, smiling to him, hugging him, stealing quick glances of him, he was part of his world. Only in his fucking dreams. Thus Michael was tired of dreaming like this and full of this shit. He wanted Luke for real, physically touch him and hold him in his arms tight to his chest for the longest of times. He would keep in store the brightest smile only for him during a rainy morning. If the sky cried wet tears and showed no mercy, Michael could be Luke's warming sun.

 

He wished he and Luke were friends that hang out together after school and on weekends, sharing secrets and problems and funny things in front of a hot, creamy dark chocolate. Calum would be there too, joining the two of them and breathing in the sweet wintery athmosphere of a cafeteria in the city centre. They would be a great trio after all.

 

He craved so much the simple possibility to look into Luke's blue eyes whenever he liked and be able to get his cheeks red right in front of him if Luke embarassed the shit out of him, so the blond boy would understand easily that Michael had fallen head over heels, deeply in love with him. Everything he desired and which he would have given anything for belonged to moonless nights.

 

Michael couldn't do anything but keep on dreaming, his slumber unbroken by a raging storm, hoping Luke would notice him and love him and protect him from thunders at least as soon as the world quietly fell asleep. Then Michael used to open his eyes in the middle of the night but everything was dark around him, he would tuck himself under the blankets of his bed, choking the rising sobs in his throat and trying to fall asleep again. But the thought of Luke would keep him awake for minutes and Michael got exhausted too easily.

 

****

 

The situation got worse when Michael befriended one of his classmates, Calum, a couple of weeks after seeing Luke for the first time. Michael was really fond of Calum, he still is, but he couldn't stand the fact that Calum and Luke had been classmates during middle school. That meant Calum was Luke's friend. They weren't close friends anyway, they just used to exchange a few words about mangas and videogames and spend a couple of afternoons together. Nothing more, nothing less. The bond between the two was not very strong, but there was a bond at least.

 

Michael was slightly envious of it all. Calum could greet Luke anywhere at anytime while he couldn't even speak a word due to his shyness. He was bound to watch Luke from afar. It was in that kind of moments that Michael understood the message of those incomprehensible events and dreams; Luke was the impossibile boy, the boy he could never have. Bound to steal glances of him from a forty metres minimum distance, bound to hear him talk to his friends and see him flirt with other boys that were not him, bound to let his heart shatter into pieces everytime Luke had a new boyfriend. That was not him, again.

 

Although Calum tried to push Michael into introducing himself to Luke even with the most banal of excuses uncountable times, Michael would refuse and go with the flow, which meant doing absolutely nothing about it. Although Calum would greet a passing by Luke in the school corridors when Luke didn't greet him first to push Michael into saying hi altogether, Michael would stay silent and look away, pretending Luke didn't exist. Truth to be told, Michael didn't exist for Luke. And not vice versa.

 

"Next time Luke's around you'll say hi to him. I'm tired of your lame excuses. It's time to get you out of your turtle shell, Mikey. Luke isn't a dog, he doesn't bite. He doesn't bark at people, either. Actually, he's a pretty shy guy, nice to people, not very talkative. You can make it, Mikey" Calum told him firmly at the end of the first year.

 

"I'm too shy, Calum. Haven't you seen what he does to me every time he's around? My legs and feet start to shake, my hands start to shake. I can't stand upright properly, falling down like a baby learning to walk. My head goes blank, I go dislexic and stuttering and the planet starts spinning twice its normal speed. I'm not ready. I will never, ever be ready. It's too much to handle for me" Michael answered, his voice cracking once in a while.

 

"I can understand it's hard, but saying hi never killed anyone. Probably Luke will greet you back even if you're a stranger to him, because he's polite. But hey, it's something to start with" his best friend continued, waiting for Michael to say something positive.

 

"I'll try and let you know, I promise. Just, don't expect I carry the World Champion Cup home" Michael concluded, never talking about Luke anymore and changing the subject of their conversation quickly.

 

****

 

Michael ended up contacting Luke via Facebook after dinner time on May the 27th. School hadn't ended yet, but Michael hadn't gained balls big enough to say hi to Luke in the reality they were living yet anyway, so he opted for writing him a message and sending it to him. Michael's hands were literally drowning in sweat while typing the words one by one, his eyes open wide and concentrated, tongue slightly sticking out from his mouth. There was such a heavy silence in Michael's room that the boy was able to hear the physical noises his nerves were making, thinking about what Luke was going to answer.

 

Of course things got very, very awkward and uncomfortable between the two not really knowing each other, though Michael gave his best trying not freak out or write anything wrong in the process. He was so nervous he didn't think straight. Michael realized Luke wasn't interested at all in what he had to tell him when the boy typed a bored "whatever", kind of ending their conversation there. Michael felt stupid and shame suddenly took over him like a thunderstorm on a summer day, running through his veins and making him regret his bad decisions and actions and his fucking stupid feelings.

 

Michael didn't know what to write anymore so he stopped writing to Luke, not even saying 'good night' nor 'bye'. Nothing. He felt so dejected and helpless. Michael didn't expect the situation to turn out like complete shit in a matter of minutes. He had made a complete fool of himself and there was nothing he could do to go back in time and erase what happened from the book of history. Michael turned off his laptop afterwards, closing it noisily, and went to bed with one more thought: Luke wasn't interested in him at all. Luke didn't like him at all. Not one bit. Luke probably hated him because Michael bothered him with crappy topics. Luke didn't want to see Michael ever again.

 

Michael cried a good amount of bitter tears that night, soaking his pillow wet and finding it hard to breath properly. Every breath of air Michael would let inside him was like fire, burning his airways, and his heart would bleed repeatedly as if it was secluded in dirty, too small and spiny birdcage. Every attempt to live seemed to kill him more and more. Maybe Michael had definitely died when Luke clearly showed himself bored and tired of him.

 

Michael jumped off the bridge but this didn't save his life at all. His feelings swallowed him whole and spat him out into pieces.

 

Michael spent the following days eating chocolate, watching sappy American chick flicks and texting his best friend Calum. He refused to go out in the afternoon, shopping with his mother and jogging with his father. He was a lazy, pessimistic emotional wreck gaining weight and spending his free time doing nothing.

 

He was sprawled on the sofa with the tv on when the phone beeped and Michael took it in his hands to see he had received a long, confused message from Calum along the lines of "I need to tell you something, but I can't call you or come over right now".

 

From Michael: What happened Cal?

 

From Calum: I... Luke sent a message to me on fb. It wasn't very friendly.

 

From Michael: What did it say? Did he offend you?

 

Michael was now worried and suspicious. Luke would never hurt someone, least of all with coward words. Why did he write to Calum of all people? They're not even close friends. Maybe it was something about him writing to Luke via fb. Luke told Calum he hated Michael. So Michael hadn't bothered Luke in the first place, but his best friend as well. Another beep.

 

From Calum: Do you really wanna know?

 

Of course Michael wanted to know. Luke was his world and Michael cared a lot about him, even if his feelings weren't returned. If something happened to him he just wanted to be informed.

 

From Michael: Yes, just spill please

 

From Calum: It says... 'Keep your friend on a tight leash, please. You know what I mean'.

 

Another beep, a shorter text this time.

 

From Calum: I'm sorry Mikey

 

Michael's world just crumbled down to his knees. Luke was so highly bothered that he wrote Calum, telling him to keep an eye on Michael. He knew somehow that Calum was Michael's best friend. Of course, the boy would catch the two together basically always. Who better than Calum could refer this explicit message? Michael was a bother to Luke. He didn't mean to bother him. He'd never dare bother the people he loves and cares about. He's always shy and says 'thank you' and 'you're welcome' and 'please' and 'would you mind' because his parents taught him to be polite to others. He ended up being a bother to his crush for writing 'hi, how are you?'. That was ridiculous, but it was the truth.

 

Michael felt a part of himself shatter into million pieces like a glass on the floor. He couldn't bear the painful ache stinging everywhere in his body. If he thought that his eyes had run out of tears days before, he was hell damn wrong. That had been the second stab in the back. Michael cried some more until tiredness forced his red eyes from tears closed and he fell asleep, wondering if he could've even forgiven himself for what he did. The boy learned that words hurt way more than actions sometimes, yet he didn't understand why it happened to him. Why Luke wrote such a terrible text to Calum. Why, why. Why.

 

****

 

From then on Michael stopped writing Luke. If he wrote something, he would leave it unsent or delete it immediately. He couldn't afford to bother Luke once again so he opted for disapperaing. Physically, not emotionally. He would go unnoticed by Luke and move his gaze away from him, he would get out of his own classroom if Luke was inside for the irrational fear of being seen. He would take a longer way to get out of school if Luke was around.

 

On the other hand Michael wasn't good at forgetting or keeping people away from his heart. He would remember everyone he met, even if he had met them only once. Of course the everlasting feelings for Luke were still there, even stronger than before much to Michael's dismay, and they wouldn't go away. He saw Luke at school, quite impossible not to see him, quite impossible to avoid him completely.

 

And then there were those time when Michael hadn't caught the sight of Luke at school for weeks and wished he could see him because he missed him... Well, Luke would magically show up a couple of minutes later or at the end of the lessons, making Michael do things such as watching the steps or walking not really carefully, bumping into people appearing out of the blue, losing the train of his thoughts or the thread of the conversation he was in the middle of. Michael guessed he was a wizard.

 

At some point during mid-summer Michael kind of forgave Luke because he couldn't stay angry at him. It hadn't been a real forgiving anyway; he accepted the fact that Luke didn't want him in his life, taking for it what he could get, that meant watching Luke from afar hoping the boy wouldn't catch him staring like a creep. Like the very first day he met him. Things hadn't changed that much in one year. Things hadn't change at all in four years.

 

Michael liked Luke very much for no reason, Luke kind of rejected him sending indirect, undeniably orrible words to Calum, yet Michael couldn't find himself stopping feeling butterflies in his stomach for Luke. How was it even possibile for Michael to think he felt love when it was actually pain? Michael didn't distinguish and separate love from pain. They were both living inside him. Luke stole his heart, broke it and never gave it back to him for God's sake. Michael was left broken-hearted and inert. Yet he still liked him like the very first time.

 

His friends and parents kept on asking if he had a crush on someone in particular and he would go yes every time because even though Luke could never be his, Luke was real and he had to believe something good would happen to him if he waited patiently.

 

"Mikey, let him go, please. There are plenty of guys out there, even way better than Luke, who can make you happy and keep you safe and loved as much as you deserve. And maybe more. I know someone is waiting for you out there, you just have to open your eyes and search them" was what Calum repetead every now and then. Michael seemed to be deaf from both ears.

 

"You don't understand Calum. I like-"

 

"Don't dare tell me you like him. You don't know what he's like and what he likes. He doesn't like you back and he's got a boyfriend. He's living his life as the teen he is, while you're stubborn and keep swimming in a bath of self-pity. Mikey, I'm pleading you because I love you and care about you. You're my best friend. Let Luke go, find a real guy you can touch, kiss, take on a proper date and you can get red cheeks in front of. A guy who can love you back and appreciate you for who you are. Life doesn't end because Luke said those things and you know it."

 

Michael stayed quiet the entire time his best friend spoke, not interrupting him once. Calum was more than right, he was the voice of reason against Michael's madness. Conversations like this were really frequent between the two, though Michael pretended Calum was wrong and kept telling himself that loving Luke had been the best thing that ever happened to him. Even if it wasn't reciprocated, Michael felt his love was pure and authentic, a feeling that you get to experience once in a lifetime.

 

"I don't know anything anymore. Just saying" he replied flatly after a while, greeting Calum and going home.

 

At the back of his mind Michael subconsciously thought he was lucky. Luke rejected him and it was fine. Michael could keep all his feelings to himself without anyone knowing or judging him anymore. Luke broke his heart and it was fine, because Michael was slowly healing. Now that he'd recovered himself from heartbreak he could protect his love from pain, even from Luke. The boy would never wreck him again.

 

Unknowingly, Michael was more than lucky, because fate had in store great things for him. He just needed to move on.

 

****

 

Michael was strolling all by himself around the main square of the city along the Atlantic Coast he lived in. He wanted some time for himself before going to the sea with Calum, already waiting for him under a large and colourful umbrella beach, so he decided to go out and take a breath of fresh air. It was a summer day like another, really, with the difference that high school had ended. This time forever. Really, there was nothing that could make people think otherwise, that it would have been a day to be remembered, least of all by Michael.

 

July had never been a special month to Michael; he preferred warm months such as April, May, and fall months. July was damn hot, less hot than August anyway, and Michael was a sweaty walking body all the time. July was not his month. At all. He hated being sweaty and have a minimum of ten showers a day. He couldn't stand it.

 

The fact is that summer is the perfect season of the year to send picture postcards. Yeah, those famous printed pieces of paper which you need to buy stamps for and that nobody sends anymore nowadays. They're mostly replaced by whatsapp, fb and all the other social networks, that's why they got obsoleted and remained unsold by tobacco shop owners. Almost a memory of the past.

 

Michael was strolling when he casually saw displayed postcards of a near tobacco shop; they were there, a few metres away from him, and without thinking he got closer and began examining every postcard one by one, unsure of which he would've bought. Most of them were new, glittering and shiny. And merely beautiful.

 

A postcard caught Michael's attention eventually; it was an old, rough photograph of a small beach not very far from his house that portrayed a section of a high, steep riff, pebbly white sand and the bluest of seas Michael ever saw. Waves were glowing under the sunlight and everything around seemed to lose its sparkle in comparison to it. That postacard had Michael mesmerised. There was something in it that Michael couldn't get out of his head.

 

He ended up buying it without even knowing the person he would've sent it to. It didn't matter that much, honestly. Michael left the shop and started heading to the beach. It wasn't very far from the main square, so Michael took his time enjoying the stroll like he didn't in long.

 

"You're gonna be an unforgettable postcard, better, the postcard of the century, I promise" Michael murmured to the postcard as if it was a real person and wanted nobody to hear him say those things.

 

He gently put it in his bag together with a stamp paying attention not to get it ragged or wet and kept on setting off to the beach, meeting halfway a preoccupied Calum that started to flood him with questions such as why he was late and didn't text him beforehand.

 

"Cal, I've just bought a postcard on my way and I'm not late at all. I'd like to send it to someone but I don't know who yet. You know, people are not used to postcards anymore. It's such a shame" Michael said with a bit of bitterness in his voice.

 

"You are, like, the weirdest person I've ever met. But you're right though. I'd like to receive a postcard, too. I have nobody who could send it to me, unfortunately. Let's go to the beach for now!" Calum exclaimed excitedly and Michael couldn't help but laugh at him for his happiness.

 

"Okay, little dude. You owe me at least three ice creams, if you ever forgot" Michael joked half-heartedly while making his way on the sidewalk.

 

"Bullshit. I'm not stupid and I don't even owe you a penny in the first place" Calum shot back, already pushing out flip flops and whatnot from his bag.

 

"I tried" Michael surrendered quietly, slowly gazing at the view in front of him. Ocean couldn't be anymore breathtaking. It was the smell of the sea, of home.

 

"And you failed. That's the funniest, most remarkable part of it all, Mikey" Calum laughed and then stormed off towards a free spot on the sand.

 

Michael had no choice but follow him, careful to keep his bare feet at an acceptable temperature. The postcard still safe in his bag.

 

****

 

When Michael decided enough was enough for his tastes, the postcard was still lying neglected on the desk in his bedroom. He couldn't feel like seeing that postcard anymore. Michael had bought it three days before, but didn't think of anyone worth of it yet. It needed to be sent very soon. Why did he buy a postcard in the first place? Why did he spend his money in vain?

 

Then a four-letter name appeared, written in the air right in front of Michael. No, it didn't happen for real. Of all the people on Michael's list of friends and acquaintances, why him? Luke came to Michael's mind almost immediately, quite out of the blue. He had slowly started to forget his crush, he hadn't seen him since they did their exams and graduated. From what Calum told him, Luke was studying for a test in that period because he wanted to pursue a career in Medicine at university in another city.

 

Michael was certain that Luke was gone, at least from his heart. Truth be told, he wasn't. Never in a million years. He hadn't spoken a word to him in years, he didn't gain enough courage to ask him out, even have a proper conversation, and still he was present in Michael's everyday life. Michael hated he couldn't hate it. Hate him.

 

They were complete strangers to each other, yet Michael learnt Luke's facial expressions, his body movements, what Luke looked like when talking with his friends, his different hair cuts, the roaring sound of his motorbike whenever Luke went home. His voice, the voice of a sad angel. Michael heard Luke speaking a very few times, but he wasn't able to stop listening to that sound echoing through his head, the deep, low and warm voice Michael learnt to recognize in a hundred people crowd. Luke's voice was ingrained in Michael's heart as any other thing of him.

 

Now those were simple memories that Michael was certainly bound to let go sooner or later. He didn't feel ready to let the memories of him go yet, much to his dismay. Luke was too important. Michael's immortal feelings for him were too important and absolutely undeniable. They were part of his personality. At some point, somewhere in his chilometric-long train of thoughts, Michael recalled the first day he saw Luke and the way he felt butterflies, altogether. Michael used to despise romantic feelings, love in primis, until he was fourteen. But that's when Luke came in the picture.

 

That was all Michael needed to make a firm a decision and get on with his damn life. There was nothing wrong, nothing else to lose, Michael never had something to lose, actually, he was just too scared to be rejected again by the same person. And not a random person, to say the least.

 

Michael took the postcard and looked fondly at it for the last time, inhaling quickly and then sighing aware of the fact that the postcard would have saved him, no matter what. Michael wondered if that was the right thing to do. Luke probably didn't even know his name, remember his face. It was going to be tough but hey, Michael could be free eventually and drop the weight he'd been holding inside him and hidding from everyone for years. That was a very high aim to be achieved, and Michael was finally ready. If Luke rejected him for the second time, too bad. At least he would know that there had been someone who secretly loved him at school.

 

It's worldwide known that standard picture postcard are small, relatively to people who need to write an awful lot of things just like Michael was, in that particular moment, in a couple of brief lines. It was being asked him to be straightforward, clear and very synthetic even though Michael had never been good with words.

 

That's why Michael went on dwelling on the content of his postcard for minutes but, being his thinking too hard and utterly inconclusive, he gave in easily and opter for writing Luke's address first. Michael took the pen in his right hand, moved the ink sphere upon the smooth surface and... Nothing. His fingers started trembling restlessly. He'd just lost his writing skill. Michael gave the total blame on Calum for having told him Luke's address as soon as he found about Michael's huge, massive crush on the guy, without even asking him for it in the first place.

 

He managed to write the address, despite the stressing effort he was putting into it, without smudging the inked letters half an hour later. Name, surname, street and civic number, city, postal code and country. He knew all of those too well. Okay, that was a first step towards victory. Towards freedom. Michael was quite happy with that, though his happiness didn't last long.

 

The second step wasn't any easier than the first one. He needed to write something for real, he wanted Luke to know. Which were the exact words to write? How should I know, Michael wondered. So the postcard remained halfwritten for a while, neglected on the desk twice.

 

An uneventful day rolled in, yet Michael's mind was blank like a new canvas. What? Did he really have nothing to say to Luke after all that time? After almost five years of silence and non-existence made of 'Calum hide me' and 'Oh my God Calum, fucking hide me!" ? Probably, the words got so easily stucked in Michael's throat that he couldn't even write them if not previously spoken. That was highly ridiculous. He needed to stop whatever game he was playing on himself. He was kind of self hurting, actually, by keeping on relegating his feelings and never making them breath.

 

That night Michael woke up at half past three in the morning for no reason, really. He just opened his eyes as if it was morning, with the sunshine peeking through his closed shutters and all, with the only difference that surroundings were full jet black. Michael tentatively searched for his phone with his fingers in the dark and found it, finally checking the time. 3:32 am. For God's sake. Michael sighed heavily and got back to sleep.

 

At least he tried. The fact was that Michael didn't get back to sleep. Whatever deity lived above him decided so and Michael couldn't fight it, despise his strong will. And suddenly his mind was being washed over by the thoughts of Luke, Luke everywhere, even in his dreams. Michael was tired, to say the least. All of that living nightmare needed to end.

 

Michael got up from his warm bed after rubbing the sleep from his sleepy eyes and sat down on the chair right underneath the desk, hiding his face in both his hands. Fucking Luke would have received his fucking postcard written at fucking 3:32 am by a very fucked up Michael Clifford, whether he liked it or not. Michael took some time to be perfectly awake and then began writing. Straightforwardness, clearness and synthesis. He could do it. That's what Michael wrote down in less than five minutes:

 

"Hi, Luke. I took it for sure you don't remember me (maybe you don't even know who I am) but I'll always remember you because you are my high school crush. I've been liking you for almost five years, I've never been brave enough to tell you. I hope I didn't bother you, but I wanted you to know it before I move in again... :) M. Clifford"

 

That was it. He did it. Michael accurately glued the stamp above the address and immediately felt a sense of relief pervading every part of his body. The postcard was ready to be sent and received by Luke. Luke would have received a postcard from a stranger a few days later. And the stranger was him. He put his actual name on that piece of paper so there was no coming back. It was frightening, thrilling and exciting at the same time. No need to be said that Michael sent Calum a two pages text about it and almost run to the nearest letter box the following day to send his precious postcard.

 

****

 

Michael politely invited Calum for a movie at his since his parents were gone for a short holiday in New York. They had three pizzas, several beers and the gran finale: vanilla ice cream. Michael has a sweet tooth for it, he can't ever have enough of vanilla ice cream. Of vanilla in general, to be honest. Two days had rolled in since Michael sent the postcard. No signals of life from Luke yet. 

 

"I'm starting to regret my actions" Michael cries at some point during a kiss scene of the movie to Calum, who's half-listening to him because he's too busy texting Ashton, the curly headed and dimpled smiled guy he likes.

 

"I'm sure you aren't, Mikey. Calm down and breath. Luke will answer you very soon, you just have to wait a bit longer" Calum reassures him like the best friend he is, while looking right into Michael's direction and not stopping his fingers from tapping on his phone.

 

"I've been waiting for five damn years, Calum! And how can you do that?" Michael asks him surprised.

 

"Do what?" Calum answers questioning, still doing that thing with his fingers and eyes at the same time.

 

"You are writing Ashton and looking at me contemporaneously, not your damn phone. Are there any mistakes though?" Michael exclaims quite amazed. Never in a million years he'd be able to do it himself.

 

"I'm used to it, don't worry. And no mistakes. Anyway, you need to relax and stay positive. I don't know Luke very much but I'm 100% sure he's not a mean person. He won't reject you. I bet ten pounds he doesn't even remember that outrageous fb message he sent me four years ago" Calum proceeds, smiling like an idiot in love once in a while. This Ashton guy must be very special in Michael's opinion. He rolls his eyes dramatically.

 

"What if he remembers me and tells he doesn't want to have anything to deal with me? What if I am the most annoying bother on Earth? What if he says clearly that he hates me? What if-"

 

"What if you shut your mouth and put it to better use? What if you're just stupid? Why don't you stop building up unbelievable shit in your head and actually listen to what I say? Luke doesn't hate you. He can't hate you, because you haven't done anything wrong! Luke needs to have a very valid reason to dislike you, but he doesn't have one. So, please, would you give it a rest and be positive? Everything's going to be fine, as always" Calum interjects and scolds him roughly, but he knows this is necessary to convince Michael he's not a bother, because he really isn't, and make him relax.

 

"Okay, I believe you. Let's keep watching this crappy movie. Oh, sorry, I will keep watching this crappy movie while you give your heart to Ashton" Michael jokes between the laughs, turning around towards the screen of the tv.

 

"Don't get all clingy and whiny when Ashton will officially become my boyfriend" Calum fake threats him with a smile, shutting and resting his phone by the sofa they're sitting on currently.

 

Halfway through the movie Michael gets bored and takes his phone. He goes on fb and logs in, surprised when he sees that someone has sent him a friendship request. They're going to be strangers I've never seen the face of, Michael thinks, so he keeps on scrolling randomly through the news he's not very interested in. He decides to see who the stranger is in the end, bringing his index to tap the icon with the little light blue man. Michael's eyes widen abnormally while reading the name.

 

Luke Hemmings

 

Shit. Fucking shit. Michael gathers himself together and calms down for a nanosecond and hands his phone to Calum, who examines the screen carefully. His best friends screams in happiness before he can see Michael curled up in a ball with his arms wrapping his legs tightened to his chest, swinging back and forth like a maniac in a pure maniac-like crazy phase. Michael's heartbeat speeds up its pace to the speed of light, like, he can hear his own heart pumping blood in his veins twice the average.

 

"You little mot- What the he- Michael fucking listen to me when I talk!" Calum shouts at the top of his lungs, maybe even happier than Michael himself. He looks at the screen in disbelief several times to check he's read the right name and then accepts Luke's request for Michael.

 

Michael isn't curled up anymore, still his heart is on cloud nine, heart frequency gone to 1000 if any less. He looks stunned and lost like a puppy and his brain's not able to process what the hell happened right three minutes ago. Luke searched him on Facebook. He probably wants to write him to get explanations. Maybe it's just a way to express his gratitude towards Michael, or a sign to let him know he received the postcard. Michael can't get his head wrapped around it yet. His crush wants to learn more about his secret lover, not so secret anymore.

 

Michael stays quiet, still recovering from the aftershock, so it's Calum who breaks the silence.

 

"Dude, I was right! Luke wants to get to know you and didn't turn you down. He searched you on fb and he found you. Are you happy?" Calum asks Michael excitedly. At least he'll stop hearing from Michael about Luke for the rest of his life. Well, he'll stop hearing less of it. But that's a detail no one will notice.

 

Michael moves his gaze to Calum and sighs quite content. He never thought Luke could do this for him, spend even a minute of his time for Michael. Luke had him stunned, literally, and Michael can't be more grateful for that.

 

"Yeah, I am. But I'm not going to text him anyway. I-I'm too shy to do it a-and if Luke is really interested in me, well, h-he'll be the first to write" Michael stutters, incapable of speaking. God, he's such an idiot. An idiot in love like Calum. They're exactly on the same sinking boat.

 

"I think you should write first" Calum speaks his mind.

 

"I shouldn't. I didn't ask him to send a friendship request to me. He'll write first" Michael states firmly, and the conversation between the two ends there with a long silence.

 

****

 

Michael waits and waits for what seems an infinity but Luke doesn't write. The hours Michael has spent doing absolutely nothing and thinking about what Luke could tell him feel like war, though Michael's not a soldier. And if he was a soldier, he'd be a coward one, mostly hidden behind a bush and never shooting the enemy with his gun. Michael sent the postcard and acted out of duty. Now it was Luke's turn to do something.

 

The day after the movie Michael, Calum and some friends of theirs set off to the beach until sunset, since sunset was, is Michael's favourite time of the day. The way the sun becomes red and the seawater gets red and the sky orange burnt, too, it's something Michael can't describe due to lack of words. They decided to stay there until 8 pm and hung around nearby, eating pizza and ice creams, judging mercilessly passing by chicks with almost no clothes on. It's reasonably understandable summer's hot but you have to wear what people call clothes anyway and save your dignity.

 

Michael came back home at half past eight in the evening. He greeted his parents quickly and went to his room, undressing from his salty t-shirt and swimming suit, and headed to the bathroom. He took a long, relaxing shower before stepping off and almost slipping on a slightly flooded floor. He got dressed again and then lied on his bed with the phone in his hands, being already sent a dozen messages by Calum.

 

Michael was about to reply back when a Messenger notification popped up on the display out of the blue. Who's this, Michael wonders. He opens up the app and sees who wrote him.

 

Luke Hemmings: hi :)

 

Black out. Michael, don't panic. It's just Luke Hemmings your goddamn five years high school crush who's writing to you don't worry be happy I believe I can fly somewhere over the rainbow - Michael STOP! And answer him, he'll be probably waiting for you to answer. It's not very hard to say hi back. Move your fingers and start typing something decent.

 

Michael Clifford: hi Luke :)

 

Luke: how are you? I'm sorry if I'm texting you this late

 

Michael: no big deal, really. I'm fine :) You've found me pretty quickly?

 

Luke: yeah, if you hadn't put your name on the postcard this conversation wouldn't have been possible, I guess

 

Michael: did you like it?

 

Luke: of course I did. That was really nice and sweet of you :D Nobody ever wrote a love confession postcard to me. Besides, I like original ideas. I appreciate what you've done, you're brave. And five years are an awful lot of time

 

Michael: well, it took me almost five years to do this and, as you've read yourself, I really needed you to know. This is a weight I had to drop off. You know, I thought that if you hadn't ever learnt about my feelings they would've been sorta useless in the end. It was kind of a right to tell you

 

Luke: I can understand. I'm so sorry if I hurt you in the past. Calum told me you felt something for me back in the first year, but then I thought that you were over it, that it was a simple short-time school crush so it slipped off my mind, and kinda forgot it eventually. I didn't know you weren't over it at all till now. I'm so sorry, I really am

 

Michael shouldn't have kind of forgotten that infamous message. "Keep your friend on a tight leash, you know what I mean". Those aching words are echoing through his head and Michael can't shut them off. It still hurts being said these words. It seems like five years never rolled in.

 

Michael: I shouldn't have forgotten. You don't remember the text you sent my best friend, do you? You basically told him that I had to stay away from you

 

Luke: I can't even remember what I ate for lunch today, least of all year-old texts. I'm sorry, again, I didn't mean to hurt you. When I wrote those things it probably wasn't one of the best times of my life, honestly. It was a very bad period, I used to hate everyone and didn't study at all. I was a total mess. Forgive me if I hurt you, I didn't mean to. I wasn't being my real self at the time

 

Ouch. Okay, that's enough to push Michael on the verge of tears. Luke is taking the blame on himself for something he hasn't done and he's saying he's sorry non stop. Because let's say it, honestly, it's been all Michael's fault. If he hadn't fallen in love with a stranger, they wouldn't be here now, exchanging a good amount of I am sorry's and don't worry's.

 

Truth is that Michael knew since the beginning the guy was too much for him, physically and emotionally. Even though Michael never spoke a word to him, he was sure without concrete proof that Luke was a nice guy. That's why Michael let Luke take his breath away and steal his heart back in high school. Luke took care of his feelings one way or another. And it'd been amazing. The biggest proof of Luke's sincerity lies in every little brief second Luke is dedicating to him right now. And, again, Michael can't be any more grateful for that.

 

Michael: oh, that's fine. Don't worry, it's just water under the bridge. You're chatting with me now and dedicating some of your free time to me, you can't imagine how much I'm grateful to you :) And you're being so nice to me

 

Luke: I can be nice to you whenever you want, we're friends now. And really, that's not even the least I can do for you. I'm not completely aware of how you've been feeling all these years but if I caused you to feel pain I'm truly sorry. You're a great guy. I'm writing this every now and then because I want you to believe I truly am, not because I'm just saying random words

 

This text in particular is heart-touching in Michael's opinion. He reads it again to be sure of what he's reading, when suddenly four words get caught in his throat. We're friends now.

 

Oh my God, hasn't Michael been clear enough about his never dying feelings? Because Michael remembers every fucking word of that damn postcard and he also doesn't remember asking him to be friends. He remembers putting the words 'like' and 'five years' together in the same sentence, for God's sake. Michael is not friends with Luke. He won't ever be Luke's friend. Michael likes Luke, there's no other way round. But if Luke only thinks they are friends, if he wants them to be friends, so be it. Better than nothing. Michael swallows those four painful words down in his throat and types slowly on his phone.

 

Michael: okay, I get you're sorry. Please, stop saying that, you make me feel even more guilty. And I'm glad we're friends now (what a fucking liar you are Michael!), so I don't have to hide from you anymore, right? And my legs and hands can stop trembling once for all

 

Luke: Mmh, that's... curious. I mean, that your legs and hands tremble. Anyway, would you like to hang out with me for an ice cream and a talk?

 

Oh my God. That's when Michael screams in the air, blathering nonsensical words at the top of his lungs. It's 10 pm and probably Michael's parents are picturing his son screaming in victory due to whatever videogame he's playing. No, Michael is happy because Luke kind of asked him out. Michael is aware it's not a real date, it's not a date at all, honestly. But who fucking cares at this point? Michael really doesn't. Luke will be his for a few hours and this is what really matters to him. He regains his composure after a while and inhales deeply.

 

Michael: that'd be awesome, I'd have the chance to tell you everything face to face. When exactly?

 

Luke: the day after tomorrow, 8.30 pm at Charlie's pizza place down the main beach? Any clashes with your plans?

 

Of fucking course it clashes with his plans. Michael gave his word to Calum and promised to take him to the opening of a new shop he didn't get a single right information about from Calum. He's 100% optimistic of Calum's comprehensive attitude anyway. He's going to ditch him over Luke after all.

 

Michael: no clashes, that's perfect. So, see you soon? And thank you again

 

Luke: it's my pleasure! Good night Michael :)

 

Michael: Good night Luke :)

 

No need to say Michael is on cloud nine and wouldn't ever go back down on Earth. His crush, Luke Hemmings, wants to hang out with him. Just the two of them in the best pizza place in town by the beach. His dream finally came true. Luke made his dream come true. Luke was Michael's dream.

 

Michael immediately calls Calum, putting a lot of effort into dialing the number, and the guy answers with a yawn. Quite weird.

 

"What happened?" Calum sleepily slurs.

 

"Do you promise me that you'll call me back after I've sent you some screenshots? And that you'll be happy for me afterwards?" Michael asks excitedly, happiness almost tangible in his voice. He forgets to ask his friends why he was sleeping that early. Calum absolutely needs to know what happened between him and Luke, though he's afraid that his words won't be worth enough to describe the event.

 

"I think I can do that for you. Call you back in a few, bye" Calum says briefly and hangs up.

 

Michael greets him back with a 'love ya' before the end of the call beep sound and takes screenshots of the most important part of his and Luke's chat. He selects them all and sends them to Calum via whatsapp. What a great night to be remembered.

 

Calum calls him after good ten minutes. Michael takes the call but doesn't know what to expect from his best friend. Probably a just a bunch of I told you so's.

 

"I told you so! I've fucking told you so! Albert Einstein would be so proud of you!" Calum congratulates him, waiting for Michael to say something.

 

I told you so, what a breaking news!

 

Michael rolls his eyes theatrically and furrows his eyebrows in confusion. "What's up with Alby? Did I lose something on my way home from the beach?" he questions seriously. Calum doesn't let him go any further though.

 

"You've just won a Nobel Prize for the Love, Mikey. You should be proud of yourself. And yes, I did read every damn sentence you've written and Luke's answers, too. I'm really happy for you. You can let it all out to Luke now. You can be free, as you always whispered to me during these years whenever Luke was around" Calum babbles non stop. He's truly happy for his best friend. He wished nothing but Luke's attention for Michael.

 

"I'm speechless. Luke had me speechless. I was screaming when Luke proposed to hang out together. My parents are going to think I've gone mad or that I've broken something, I guess" Michael confesses quietly as if it was a secret to be kept. No one except Calum had to know he and Luke were going to spend some time alone together.

 

"Let them guess, then. Let them think you've gone crazy, because we know you have, right? Luke made you, dude" Calum says softly, letting a bit of comfortable silence form between the two.

 

"I am, Calum. He's got a boyfriend anyway, my feelings won't be ever reciprocated. This is what I get, innit? His friendship and nothing more. I'm happy after all. Thank you, Calum. I don't know where I would be right now without your support. You are the bestest friend on Earth. Goodnight Cal, love you. See you tomorrow" Michael murmurs fondly and waits for Calum to say goodnight, too.

 

The starry, moonless sky out there is a very deep shade of dark blue, cut in two in the middle by the shiny Milky Way. Countless white stars are glowing and sparkling and Michael can't help but stand up from his bed and go lean by the open window of his room to watch them. They are so beautiful and unreachable, they own the blue of the night like nothing else does. The view is pretty much enviable.

 

Michael had never imagined things would turn out as they did. He was sure his feelings would have been kept forever in the sort of thorny cage his heart was without Luke ever knowing. He was so wrong. Michael stopped believing in coincidences almost five years ago, when Calum wasn't his best friend yet and he despised love. Love was for weak people and Michael wasn't weak. But everything happens for a reason and Michael doesn't care whatever the reason is. He remains clueless and that's more than fine. Fate brought Luke. It was the best thing that ever happened to Michael.

 

"Goodnight Michael. Hey, you just got up to watch the stars, didn't you? I can hear your fantasy working. Don't say anything. Sweet dreams" Calum says finally and hangs up for the second time that night.

 

Michael wouldn't have cried anymore, if not out of joy. 

 

Thank you.

 

****

 

Michael politely forces Calum to take him to Charlie's. He's too nervous to go all alone there. It's not a dangerous urban area at all, honestly, it's just that Michael himself becomes a walking disaster when he's anxious and unsettled. He keeps tripping over nothing, doesn't pay attention to where he's putting his feet while power walking and looks completely lost. He becomes another boy and Michael hates that. He can't be his real self when he's agitated.

 

Calum drops him at Charlie's place at 8.20 pm. He gets out of his own car with Michael and gives him a reassuring smile before leaving him.

 

"Okay, Mikey, this is your moment. Right here and right now. I'm not very good at giving advices, but in this case I guess there are no advices better than this one: be yourself, ok? Let it all out. If you want to cry, just cry. If you want to scream, just scream. Do anything that makes you feel better. Luke will listen to everything you have to say. He's a reasonable guy. I promise he won't disappoint you" Calum promises as if he felt guilty, before hugging Michael very tight and smiling fondly at him.

 

"I just don't need to freak out, Calum. I can do it. I'm sorry I can't come with you tonight, this is really important. Thanks for the advices anyway" he deadpans seriously, letting Calum leave him and go away.

 

Calum backtracks towards the driver's seat door of his car, gives Michael two last full thumbs up and says aloud "Ashton's coming with me, little asshole! Have fun with your boy! And don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

 

Michael opens his mouth in a 'o' shape, gritting his teeth in fake anger, and suddenly feels the urge to strangle and choke Calum with his own hands. The other boy smirks widely and then turns the ignition on, sprinting away with a dull noise.

 

Michael, sighs heavily, looks around and notices the place's not as crowded as he had thought. The air is warm on his skin and it feels good, while the sun is slowly starting to set and go beyond the line of horizon to sleep. Michael sees people come and go and searches for Luke's face into everyone's face. They're not him unfortunately. Luke's one of a kind with that blue eyes, blond hair and light stubble.

 

A tall boy in white t-shirt, grey-ish shorts and black vans crosses the street right in front of Michael, carrying by hand his bicycle. He locks it calmly by the first free street lamp he sees and then heads towards Michael. Michael looks up and can't help but feel even more nervous than before, knowing that boy is Luke. Luke didn't ditch him and came there just for him. Michael's mesmerised and nervous and lost. Luke is full of surprises and it hasn't even started yet. Is this happening for real?

 

When Luke is a couple of inches away from him and slightly smiling at him, Michael gains courage and speaks, for the very first time, to his crush.

 

"Hi" is what shyly rolls out of Michael's mouth. He feels like a stiff, body absolutely unable to move.

 

"Hey, how are you? I hope I didn't make you wait too much. Am I late?" Luke says easily and God, Michael missed the sound of Luke's voice. Too much time has passed. It's heart-melting. Michael's melting like pure ice.

 

"We are both on time, don't worry. I haven't waited at all" Michael lies shrugging his shoulders. He doesn't know why he's lying to him. Maybe he doesn't want Luke to think he's nervous about the whole thing.

 

"Okay. Uhm... I'm hungry, what about you?" Luke asks, his blue eyes never leaving Michael's. He swings back and forth on his feet before moving his gaze away in a matter of seconds.

 

"I won't eat as much as you, to be honest. I don't feel very well so I think I'll have just a plain cheese slice of pizza and a pepsi" Michael confesses shyly. He's hungry too, actually, though his stomach is being thrown into a turmoil of restless emotions and Michael can't control it, much to his dismay. He's afraid he'll throw up in the middle of a conversation if he eats too much.

 

"Let's get inside then. I owe you tonight" Luke invites him, and Michael can't do anything but smile happily at him and follow him inside, where other people are talking mostly non sense and completely clueless about the fact that Michael's living the most wonderful moment of his entire life.

 

****

 

After a little talk about music, movies and hobbies in general, Luke asked Michael the most infamous question of all. The time for explanations had come. Michael wasn't really ready; he considers bailing out for a second and leaving Luke there. That would be too mean and coward-like of him.

 

"So... How... How did it all start back in high school?" Luke stutters before biting on the left crusty parts of his ananas pizza slice.

 

Luke's as straightforward as him, Michael gets. He decides to be sincere about what he's been feeling over the years and telling him the whole truth from the beginning. He looks at his half slice of cheese pizza neglected on his plate and then breaths deeply. This is gonna be a very, very long story.

 

"I-I was talking with a classmate and you were a couple of metres away from us at the back of the room, t-talking with a friend of yours. I l-looked up randomly at your direction and you were t-there, simply. You were wearing a black hoodie, red trousers and black shoes. I couldn't e-ever forget those details" Michael lets out quickly like a mumbling mess of lips he is. Letting it out is tough and relieving altogether.

 

"Wow... Your earliest memories of me are stainless. The picture of me that day is very... clear in your mind" Luke says surprised and a little bit taken aback by Michael's extraordinary mnemonic ability, chewing on his pizza as if he was starving.

 

"Unforgettable. Impossible to remove" Michael adds spontaneously, staring at him right in the eye. He can't wrap his head around why Luke can't do the same to him, why he can't face him properly. It's an attitude Michael detests, not being looked at while he's talking to someone. He kind of feels betrayed by Luke. The blond guy tries so hard not to make eye-contact with him it's misleading.

 

"I understand, uhm, I hope you won't spend other five years pining over a guy which thought you were over the crush for him without telling him, like, ever again. It had to be hard and uncomfortable, almost" Luke replies slowly and sips a bit from his glass of water.

 

Michael doesn't feel at ease, can't bring himself to. He's terribly embarassed and his voice keeps threatening him of defeat and surrender basically always. He wished he was at home, tucked safe in his bed and far away from a Luke that says he understands but doesn't even dare looking at Michael properly. He's tired of it all, of himself.

 

"I've tried to forget you so many times, Luke. I used to be a little bit more confident when summer would come because I would tell myself it'd be easier to let you go not having seen you for three months. Truth to be told I was wrong. Damn September would come and you were there, at school. Impossible not to see you almost every day. I used to stand by the window and watch you from afar during break times. I felt so safe and protected every time I could stare at you. Nobody had noticed before. Nobody ever noticed I was staring at you. I'm not a stalker, I swear, you j-just make me feel better. Some of my days used to be shitty until you came into vision a-and everything changed. You've changed so many days of mine I've lost the count. My day were better thanks to you. They still are. I'm sorry Luke, I really am" Michael whispers the last few words and light feather-like tears start rolling down his cheeks, wetting them slightly.

 

Michael's tears are so soft and quick he can't feel them rolling on his cheeks. Even if he did, he couldn't bring himself to care. Luke catches a glimpse of them and immediately dries Michael's cheeks from the salty tears with his fingers. Luke's feeling terribly sorry but he really doesn't know what to do. He guesses Michael must have understood that he's not a very talkative person and that his silence is tearing the other boy apart irreversibly. Luke doesn't like talking when it isn't necessary, most of the times he's nothing to say anyway. Not because he's stupid, but because there's nothing else to add.

 

Time's running out and Luke decides they'd better get out of the pizza place soon and go elsewhere to distract Michael a little bit and stop him from crying. He caused Michael to cry. Luke feels even worse than before.

 

Michael sniffs noisily, looking up at Luke. He sees the guy standing upright and offering him a hand. Michael is unsure whether to take it or not. Luke's hand is quite appealing to him. He'd just shown his weakness in front of Luke, he can't really be more embarrassed than that.

 

"W-where are w-we g-going?" he stutters audibly, his unsteady voice trembling a little. He doesn't have the strength to stand up. He feels his legs may collapse at any moment.

 

"To the high riffs at the beach. I bet you love watching the waves from above. It's not even that cold outside. Would you like to watch the waves with me?" Luke gently proposes, hoping Michael would feel better.

 

The red haired boy seems to dwell on it too much. Despite his tears, Michael stands up and slightly smiles at Luke, who returns the smile with an ever bigger one and gives his way to Michael. Luke smiles so nicely that it has Michael mesmerised, again. Everything's going to be fine, the guy repeats in his head.

 

"Thank you, Luke" Michael whispers, hoping Luke didn't hear him. He takes one step out of the local when Luke reaches over him and replies with a simple ' you're welcome, Michael '.

 

They head towards the high riffs and manage to climb the rocks to the top without falling off or breaking a bone with the help of a light torch on their phones. They make of the large, smooth surfaces some very comfortable seats and lay together on the rocks, watching the view silently. The sun had already set, yet the daylight was still embracing the far, straight line of the horizon in a sweet twilight. Michael breaks the silence.

 

"I feel much better now, Luke. Thank you for taking me here. You always seem to know what I need to feel better somehow" Michael says, this time not looking at Luke.

 

"Hey, I'm not a fortune-teller. I just guessed. And the postcard is beautiful, I promise I'll take care of it with the attention it deserves" Luke replies back with the voice of an angel. 

 

Michael turns around and faces him. Luke's the nicest, kindest, most beautiful guy he ever met. There are no more doubts: he loves Luke with all his heart. Michael can't tell Luke he loves him. He's got a boyfriend and Michael's sure Luke loves him very much. His stomach clenches painfully at the sudden thought, his lips quivering restlessly before stopping abruptly. It's now or never.

 

"Luke, I know you have got a boyfriend and that you're not interested in me, but I need to say it out loud before you go, before I don't see you anymore. Will you let me say it?" Michael pleads uncertainly, other threatening tears ready to be cried like a river. Is he going to be free and forget Luke forever after doing this? Will he open his wings and fly away from his past without Luke?

 

"You can say it. Whenever you feel like saying it just do it. Once, twice, ten times per day, I don't mind. I'm here for you, okay? Say it whenever you feel it's the right time. I'm not going anywhere until you say it. I'd like to hear those words from you, you know? They are the bravest words someone can say, Michael" Luke tells him softly, standing up from his seat and sitting again, this time dangerously close to Michael. 

 

Their knees are brushing at the sides but Michael can't bring himself to care at this point. He needs to say this right now. If he doesn't, he'll regret it for the rest of life. Michael feels at ease; he's on the high riffs at home and he's watching the waves with the boy he's a huge crush on next to him. The oncoming night is swallowing every Michael's insecurity, stopping him from drifting away. He doesn't feel alone anymore, he wants to cry out of joy. He's happy to have Luke by his side, even though they're just friends. It's totally fine.

 

Michael turns his head around and meets Luke's eyes. Michael trusts them, so he whispers those three words as silently as he can with his eyes wide open. He wants to see Luke's facial expression when he says it. Those words are just his after all. Not even Luke himself can't take them away from him, from his heart.

 

" _I_ _like_ _you_."

 

Silence. Luke smiles at him like he never did before and tries to hide his red cheeks from Michael's sight, miserably failing. Michael scolds him fake angry.

 

"Hey! I should be the one who's embarassed, not you! Stop blushing! I should be blushing. I confessed my feelings and you just... You're unbelievable, Luke Hemmings" Michael half-laughs between the words of his speech and he's never been happier than this. Luke didn't turn him down, didn't laugh at him. He just dared blushing.

 

Michael steals a quick glance of Luke's side frame for the last time, looking away after a second for the fear of being caught staring. Nothing has really changed, to be honest. He likes Luke and nothing can change that.

 

Luke taps gently on Michael's right shoulder to make him turn around again and so face him. It's getting dark pretty fast, it's not safe to stay there for long.

 

"What?" Michael spits fake offended. He gets stunned when Luke brings his mouth right to his ear and whispers, even more quietly than Michael if possible, five little meaningful words. Michael almost cries again as soon as they reach his brain. He can touch the sky with a finger.

 

"Thank you for saying it."

 

And that's it.

 

"We should get back to Charlie's. I've locked my bicycle there and much to our dismay, it's getting dark. And weirdly cold. Damn breeze, whatcha say?" Luke curses under his breath, retreating his hands in his pockets and protecting them from the summer breeze.

 

"I think you're right. We should really get going by now" Michael easily agrees and stands up from where he was sitting, turning the light of his phone on and starting to climb down the rocks, always keeping an eye on Luke to make sure he doesn't get hurt in the meanwhile.

 

The street that leads to Charlie's they have to follow is way too short to Michael. He wants to stay with Luke forever and never leave him. He fucking loves him. Michael was proven wrong anyway: sometimes love is not enough to keep someone by your side. If that someone doesn't love you back there's nothing you can do to change their minds. Luke is the living proof.

 

They talk about anything that crosses their minds on the way back, time running out faster than ever. Michael learns that Luke's parents are divorcing (and his suspects were proven right); that's why Michael has never seen Luke smiling very much. Luke and his mother don't get along at all, his relationship with his older brother is broken. Luke is shy, quiet, ingoing and thoughtful. He wears glasses just for his books. He loves reading rather than going to parties and getting drunk. He dislikes alcohol and got his driving licence with his own car. He loves chocolate, especially nutella, and cakes in general. Fast metabolism. His skin is sensitive, so sun baths are out of the question. He's the typical nerd guy, with the difference that Luke's way hotter than most of them. His irises are dull blue most of the times, they rarely shine bright. Luke's eye colour is dense and lifeless, while Michael's green is emerald and rich. His eyes sparkle shamelessly as he sees Luke.

 

The point is that Michael loves learning more about Luke, loves spending some time together with him. He doesn't want their time to end. But everything has its time and everything ends. So is Luke. They arrive to the street lamp where Luke's bicycle is locked. Michael heart clenches at the sudden fear of losing him. Why does this have to end so soon? Michael feels like he hasn't said all the things he had to say.

 

"So... I won't see you ever again, right?" Michael hesitates, swinging back and forth on his feet. He won't see Luke ever again. This is a certainty, at least. He just wants to hear it for real, directly from Luke's mouth.

 

Luke thinks about it, stopping from whatever he was doing.

 

"I don't think so, my parents are still living here. Even if they're divorcing, my home is always open for me when I want to come back. I can't get the reason why yet, since I am kind of a burden to them, anyway" Luke anwers flatly and unlocks his bike. He looks pretty unsure of what he's doing.

 

Seriously? Was he bound to see Luke again after tonight? Who was he kidding? Of course Luke had to ruin his future plans once again. What was wrong with him? Bloody, damn postcard. Luke's opinion about his parents has Michael sick in the deep, he could never think of Luke as a burden.

 

"Oh, uhm, okay then. I h-have to g-go that way..." Michael blabbers awkwardly pointing his finger into a random direction. His heart wants to stay despite the fact that his brain wants him to go, run away from that place. What a nice coincidence.

 

Luke is waiting for Michael to say goodbye and part their ways. Though a very uncomfortable silence falls between them. The clock is ticking and this goodbye doesn't come out of his mouth. Luke finally gets it, knows what to do to make Michael move. He opens his arms widely and motions to his chest, expecting Michael to hug him.

 

Michael stays quiet on his spot and doesn't speak a word. Why has Luke opened his arms? Why should he go there and- NO. It's not really happening. No no no no, hang on a second. Luke isn't silently asking him to hug him. Not a chance. He's dreaming for sure. Why Luke should hug-

 

"Come on! Seriously? Five years and you still think you don't deserve a hug? Believe me, you're a great boy Michael. You deserve more than a simple hug" Luke interjects. He's encouraging him and keeps on motioning with his fingers to his chest.

 

Michael realizes Luke wants to be hugged by him. Who the hell is he to deny his crush a simple hug? Michael had thought physical contact was forbidden between the two. He was proven wrong again. Michael fucking goes for it without thinking about it twice.

 

He walks slowly at first, then speeds his pace up a little bit in the end and throws himself right into Luke's arms that he immediately wraps around Michael's back, keeping him safe. Luke isn't very muscular; he's tall and lanky, almost skinny. The red haired boy doesn't care about it, though. Michael nestles his little nose under Luke's chin and every piece of his broken heart puzzles up together. He's whole. He's into Luke's arms and he feels safe and protected and invincible.

 

Michael hugs Luke tight and blinks repeatedly. He just can't be dreaming; he's breathing properly and the sound of the waves washing over the seashore is pretty tangible to his ears. The world is still spinning and people are coming and going all around them. The street lamp is turned on so he's able to see what's beyond Luke's shoulder. He listens carefully to Luke's heartbeat, surprised to find out that it's as fast as his own.

 

"Your h-heartbeat...is very fast..." Michael slurs into Luke's shoulder. He'd like to stay there forever and listen to his heartbeat for the rest of his life. It's not likely to happen. But he doesn't let go of the hold either.

 

"Yeah, I guess so. Why shouldn't it be?" Luke asks gently out of the blue. His hands wander over Michael's back, gradually loosening the grip on it. The red haired understands he has to let go. It feels like dying inside a little bit. A part of him will be always buried dead if Luke's not with him.

 

"I don't know, Luke, you tell me... Anyway, there's one last thing left unspoken. I'd like you to hear it before we part our ways and, you know..." Michael trails uncertainly. His fingers start shaking so he immediately hides them in the pockets of his black shorts and he looks away sheepishly. It's so hard to say goodbye.

 

"Tell me anything" Luke pleads while leaving his bike by the street lamp without letting it fall down.

 

Michael watches him and full panics. Should he really tell Luke the truth? What are the advantages of telling Luke the truth? Michael curses himself for being so selfish right now, reformulating the question with better words in his head. Is he going to be completely free after letting all out? The question is rhetorical, it is a huge no. Michael opts for being honest to Luke. He'll always choose to be honest when it's all about Luke.

 

"I thought that saying it out loud would be helpful. Truth is, I like you even more. You're a very lovely guy, you did this just for me. You're so nice to me and now that I get to know you a little I really can't forget you. I'm so sorry" Michael confesses. A truer truth is that Michael has fallen in love with him. Those words are forbidden, banned from Michael's mouth.

 

Luke stares at Michael fondly, taking a few steps closer to him. He stops right in front of him, looking at him right in the eye.

 

"I'm not forcing you to forget me, Michael. You are aware that I haven't got superpowers, aren't you? And even if I had them, I wouldn't ever dare thinking about making you forget me. Feelings are feelings and they are the way they are, I understand. I asked you to hang out with me because I wanted to give you the chance to express yourself. I haven't for five years, that's the least I could do for you. It's not healthy to keep it all inside. I hope you believe and trust me. You can call me whenever you like, to say you are over it or just to hang out together, okay?" Luke reassures him. Michael loves those dull, sad blue eyes. Luke's got a boyfriend, he's taking care of them. Of Luke's broken soul. He wishes he could mend it.

 

It's time to say goodbye, to let Luke go. He promises himself he'll write Luke just when it's necessary or important. He's there for him, but Michael is willing to stop looking for him wherever he goes. Calum will be informed later. He has to mend the bits of his own soul that remained broken.

 

"Goodbye, Luke. And thank you for tonight" Michael greets him with a sad smile. It's time to go on with his life.

 

"Anytime" Luke greets back. He rides his bike, waves his hand and quickly disappears in the dark. Michael watches him go away. He feels good.

 

It's also time to say those three words Michael never thought could be let out loud. Michael didn't believe in love until he met Luke. And everything changed from then on.

 

"I love you."

**Author's Note:**

> Let me get started with a huge thank you to everyone who read this whole 14k words story, more or less, till the end. English is not my first language, but it felt right to write the story in English anyway, because I love English more than myself. I'm sorry if there are any mistakes, no one beta read it :) I appreciate kudos and comments, feedbacks and what not! Thank you again ♡


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